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[measuringdicks]

welcome to the trench chapter of interdimensional hostage bullshit anonymous! unfortunately no one can come to the phone right now because we’re being fucked over by the multiverse again, so leave a message after the beep. we’ll get back to you if we’re still here.

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[measuringdicks]

I think they make tofu burgers now if that helps any. I could annoy someone into giving up a recipe. [What, burgers of any kind are swell.] Aww, you saying my blood was better than a steak dinner?

[This is totally a normal thing to coo jokingly at someone. Whatever. Richie gets serious again pretty quickly, listening intently to Eddie's rant, more than a little unsettled by the thought that he'd just—leave Eddie down there in the dark, knowing how much he hated it. No one belongs down there, in the pit below the house on Neibolt Street, except for It. And leaving one of them there, buried along with the clown...

Yeah. That's not going to happen, not on Richie's watch. They'd have to drag him out the whole way.]

Yeah, no, it is shitty of them. God, I can't believe we could grow up to be such assholes. [Then he sighs.] Did you not tell anybody all that shit? You know, before you got possessed? 'Cause, and I'm speaking from experience here, if you keep shit bottled up it just... [He pauses, as if searching for the best way to describe it.] Y'know how you shake a Coke can, and then when you open it, all the Coke just explodes outta the can and makes a huge fucking mess and then you have to clean all that shit up? Yeah. That. You were the Coke can and the demon shook you up until your issues just came gushing right out.

[He pauses.]

It was an asshole thing, though, laying into Ben for something that didn't even happen yet. Maybe he grows up to be the kind of dumbass who thinks only with his dick, but he's not that dumbass now. [Bill would probably be nicer about this. Richie is pretty blunt, for all that his tone is kind, not furious at either of them. Then again, Richie can afford some distance, he's only learning about all this after the fact.] It probably won't happen now—It can't rip your arm off if it's already been ripped off, so that's one way to spit in God's face. Or fate's face. Whatever.

[He huffs out a quiet breath.]

God, are we going to have to talk about all our bullshit before Deerington drags them up in the absolute worst way possible?

[clussy]

Oh. I've never tried those. (Somehow.) Yes. It was also really nice cause I got to be close to you for like thirty minutes.

(His yearning for a thorough cuddle session is insatiable.)

What? (It catches him off guard for some reason having Richie ask that. Genuine annoyance flickers over his face and then something hardens in him.)

Yes, Richie, I told people before. I've told you before and I've told Bill before but that doesn't matter when all of you constantly cycle out. I've talked about this shit with Chloe before. I've even told Ben. Just not to the extent. We talked about it like a year ago when he first showed up and he told me he wouldn't grow up that way. So yeah, I told people. Jeez.

(He just didn't tell them to the full extent because he never thought that would help anyone. Mostly because he didn't know how to tell his friends that he had been struggling with the whole concept of abandonment for the past four years since he originally found out and then- what? Was it two years now since he found out about the 80s version? Eddie sinks into himself a bit, that hard look dissolving into something dark and distant.)

Whatever. You don't get it. (He didn't want to be called an asshole over this even though he knew it was an asshole thing. It still hurt to hear and Eddie felt an odd tightness at the back of his throat.)

I guess. (Though Eddie's definitely died other ways. That was in Deerington though. And he still had his spine which meant...He picks at the end of his shirt and gives a shrug.)

Deerington makes us talk about whatever. Even if it's stuff we talked about before. Just because you talk about shit doesn't mean it makes it better.

[measuringdicks]

[Oh.]

Shit, sorry, I didn't—I forgot, people cycle in and out, you've probably told me this shit five times over by now. [But he can hear that hurt, that darkness. He sighs.] Maybe you're right, I don't get it, but I haven't seen the future. I don't even know if it'll be our future now—we have gone way off-course. Maybe our Ben, here, won't grow up to be that asshole.

[They can only hope. But Richie sucks in a breath, trying to think.]

Maybe it doesn't. Hell if I ever wanna talk about—about being queer, not without getting my brain fucked with or having my memories put in front of a screen or some shit. But I, well, I don't know, it helps. Y'know? It doesn't make all our problems all the way better, but it helps a little. [A beat.] Plus, you gotta admit, it's practical. One less thing for the town to blast into somebody else's head, right?

[Ugh, this is such a serious talk, Richie wants to deflate it with a joke of some kind. But they've got to talk, he supposes.]

I wouldn't throw you away. Not me here and now. Maybe there's a version of me who can do that, in which case he can fuck right off, but I could never. And about Ben, I think we both know, if he's crazy enough to fight an eldritch monster at ten or thirteen, if he'll forgive you even after you eat him, then—maybe he's not quite that Ben you saw, anymore.

[He exhales, then there's the soft sound of Richie's forehead very gently thudding against a wooden surface.]

I don't know. This is—I think they call it existential shit? I started thinking about this back on superhero world and then I just never stopped. Maybe there's a version of either of us that never started hopping around different worlds and they'll grow up to be those people you saw, but we can't slot back into those people we were so easily. We've got more than a snowball's chance in hell here. That's worth something, right?

[clussy]

(At first, Eddie didn't really want to talk anymore. He was leaning back into a sullen quiet. The whole situation was complicated and Eddie wished, not for the first time, that he had never seen his own future. Any parts of it.

But it's Richie and if there was anyone alive on the face of the earth that could keep Eddie afloat in his own shitty headspace, it was Richie. It was impossible for Eddie to completely ignore him. So he listens, of course.)

Most days I don't even feel like any version of Eddie any of you know. (Which sucked sometimes, but...Also...) And I think maybe you're right? We have gone real off course. I just...I'm scared that one day we'll have to wake back up in wherever we come from. Which means I don't have you anymore. Or anything I've gained and if we go back we just forget everything and then what?

(Eddie hated it. He knew it was just paranoid thinking of the worst-case-scenario but he couldn't help it. Not when he has lost so many variations. Not when he knew that there were worse things than death in the universe.

Eddie's fussing on his end. There's a mechanical clicking as he readjusts the fingers on his prosthetic, a nervous habit, and he watches Richie, frowning.)

...Yeah. Yeah, you're right. (He snaps his thumb back on and sighs.) No, you're completely right. I know you are.

(After all, the only reason they were even dating now was that they had decided to just talk about it finally.

Even though he knew Richie wouldn't throw him away, hearing the confirmation was something Eddie desperately needed right then. His eyes get a little wet, and he feels something trembling in his stomach.)

Thanks, Richie. (He was about to say he'd never throw Richie away, but that had never been a thing, had it? Eddie knew that he was the disposable one in the group. He was the burden. He doesn't dare say that out loud, but god if it wasn't true. Richie really did deserve better than him, but selfishly, Eddie doesn't want to point that out. He didn't know how to be a good enough person to point it out.)

I've been fighting becoming that guy for the past four years. It terrifies me. I first saw all that when I was only twelve, you know?

(Among some other stuff that he super never wanted to talk about.)

And it's always been hard. (To try and balance things out mentally.

He smiles then, faint, but sincere.)

Yeah, it's worth something. Look at you and me. We've already defied like everything our worlds wanted us to have. I mean. (He fusses again with his hand, suddenly outrageously shy.)

If the world ended tomorrow I'd be really happy with how this turned out. It's way more than I ever thought I'd have or ever deserve. (So he admits the deserve thing a little. But! Not entirely.) I really love you. Sorry for being - (Me.) Difficult sometimes.

[measuringdicks]

We oughta start a club. "Long-Term Dimensional Hoppers" club, how does that sound? [A breath.] Anyway, you're still Eddie. That hasn't changed. And I think...

[There's a moment where he seems to think something over again. Then:] So we live it up now. If we disappear tomorrow, that means we oughta cram in all the good times today—you have me now. And, shit, I don't ever want to leave you, but if I do, [which is likely given the past Richies,] or if you do, [which is less likely,] or if we both disappear—every moment here and now counts. And even if we forget when we wake up...at the risk of sounding like a total fucking sap, Eddie, your name is carved onto my heart, I'd never be able to forget you completely. And I don't think you'd be able to completely forget anything about your career as an interdimensional refugee either: the good and the bad. It's just too much to forget.

[If Richie had a more poetic soul, he'd say something like this: everyone Eddie has ever loved has left a mark on him in some way, and if he ever goes back, it won't be easy trying to rub it all out. Not for Sonia, not for It, not for anyone.]

...oh, Jesus, that's fucked up. How'd you manage not to lose your shit when you saw that at twelve? [Richie had nearly lost his nerve when he'd found a missing poster with his face on it at Neibolt, he has no idea how Eddie's even this okay. Time helped, probably. And the Xanax.]

Hey. I love you too. You've been my best friend since I thought cooties were a thing, you don't have to be sorry for being difficult. [It's too bad this is over the fluid because Richie would be holding Eddie's face between his hands by now.] I get it, okay? If you weren't difficult after living in hell town this long, I'd be way more worried.

[clussy]

I guess. Sometimes I don't know- I just feel...(Different. But then again, he was getting older. Everything felt different. Except for Richie. That had been his only real constant throughout the years. Maybe not Richie's prescence physically, but how he felt about Richie. He glances up, wishes they were talking in person.)

You think what? (He presses lightly, and then listens. But it hurts. It hurts to hear Richie talk about leaving again because it felt like a scab you could never heal because it always caught on something. He makes a small, choked sound, a hiccup of a breath, and then there are stifled noises. Crying he's trying his best to keep down.)

I don't want to lose you again. I can't. I can't do it- (Not again. Not after everything they have gone through this time.) How can you just - be so calm- about that? (He chokes the words out because the sobbing was coming in gasps now. He hasn't cried like this in...shit. Years maybe. But he was worn thin after everything and he really did need to get back on medication.)

I'm nothing without - without all of this. You, the people I've met along the way. You don't - I hate who I become without all of that. I'm not...strong when I have no one to be strong for. And I - I know my heart does always remember you, but I don't want to dread thinking about a future where I have to spend most of my life without you in it in my head or in my life. And I don't wanna just...Accept that. I don't wanna have to keep 'making the most' of what we have now. I'm sick of living on the edge of my seat constantly wondering if each minute is going to be the last minute I feel anything even remotely close to - to happiness.

(It was half Eddie's fault for thinking that way and he knew it too. He was the paranoid one, the one who couldn't help but constantly spiral into terrified thoughts of what-ifs. It sometimes felt like he had leaned out of terrifying medical what-ifs and leaned into terrified existential what-ifs. He's not sure what's worse.

He makes a few more noises, taking the Fluid away from his face for a few seconds so he could try and collect himself. He didn't have Richie's faith. At least not in himself. He fusses with a bottle and gets a tab out to slip into his mouth. There was some burning shame with having to resort to it, but he had a feeling maybe this was one of those times where it was okay. Maybe. The gesture alone is enough to get him to calm down even before the meds hit his system. He takes a hard, deep breath and holds the Fluid back against his ear.)

I did lose my shit. I've been losing my shit for years over it. I've had more breakdowns than I could count because of it. There's other shit in my future I saw too that I hated. I don't - I can't talk about it though. I don't want to.

(The shame he felt about his future-wife had never really gone away. He didn't really tell anyone about that though. He takes another deep breath, starting to slip from panic and grief to that absent blank feeling. Sometimes all he really wanted to do was just sleep. Maybe that was the point of the dream. He keeps his eyes shut, listening to Richie, picturing him next to him instead of on the phone, and he aches.)

Sometimes I think I love you too much. It fuckin- it just eats at me. I don't know. Yeah. I get it. (He shakes his head, taking his third breath. Measured. Slow.)

I should...I should probably go. I'm in a shitty...headspace or something. I don't know. I'm sorry for - (For what? Being emotional? He rubs at his face.) Sorry. Do you maybe-. Can you sleep over later or- or are you still uh- not ready for that?

(Because he had definitely picked up on Richie's reluctance for that whole thing. Which puzzled him some days and other days made him feel weirdly lonely and some days he understood perfectly when he thought about it from a boyfriend angle.)

It's fine if you're not.