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Feels more like a coma nightmare sometimes.

[There's a moment where he mulls the question of what to do about the eggs over in his head, not for the first time. It's why he'd put them in Venkman's care for now, because—this feels like a choice that can't be made impulsively, and Richie wants all the cards on the table first, wants to make the choice with as much information as possible. After all, it's his and Eddie's continued existence they're talking about here.]

I dunno. Maybe we wake back up wherever we were instead of going straight home. [But this isn't what he's hoping for.] I...don't really know what I'm gonna do with them. 'Cept for the Mayor's egg. That I was planning to make into a tentacly omelet.

[He's...he's joking, right? Right?]

But the rest? I'm honestly not sure. I know I want to stay with you, that's not fucking negotiable. [He always wanted to leave Derry anyway.] You're not dying. That's also non-negotiable. The rest of the eggs...

[He shrugs.]

I was thinking I'd ask around, see what you and everyone else thinks first. I could go any way on any of them. [Except the Mayor, because Richie still bears a grudge over that asylum bullshit.] You're planning on waking up the Dog Keeper?

Edited 2021-05-09 11:51 (UTC)

What, like Reims and that superhero city of yours? (That possibility hadn't even crossed his mind and for a second, Eddie looks genuinely stricken. It was just another way to lose Richie in this mess. He felt like they had a 5-second window and that was it. Everything else was stacked against them.

Don't start to freak out. His chest feels unpleasantly tight and the itch is worse than ever to grab a pill or an inhaler. Instead, he just squeezes one of Richie's hands.)

I don't care what anyone else thinks. Half this town is filled with people who have never experienced some of those people, and half of it is filled with optimistic hero types who have the worst tunnel vision ever.

(Eddie wonders exactly when he had become so pessimistic. He always had been but...He tries to loosen his grip on Richie's hand.)

You can talk around and figure it out. But I'm only doing what you want to do. No one else. (And even then he might argue on some points.)

I think doing anything but sacrificing Cynthia would be cruel. She's trapped, basically. Mother Superior is a sadist - you weren't here for the few times she did show up but she always got off on torturing us. I don't give a shit what angsty backstory she has. (You don't really ever unsee a grown woman ripping apart a fairy.)

Ramona- I dunno. I don't trust adults like her and...I don't know. VL told me she thinks Ramona might be the worst. (And he did kind of care about VL's opinion in regards to that stuff. Not out of respect but because VL actually had bothered to explore that kind of stuff more than most people Eddie knew.)

Julia's the only reason we suffer so much. She's why I've lost you more times than I've had you. And like, yeah, I have you, but I'm pretty sure she's corrupt beyond recognition at this point. The Mayor can fuck off too.

(He had zero love or compassion for any of these people, in other words.)

And, to be honest with you, three years of this stuff and I'm pretty sure Julia isn't even alive anymore or if she is, she's not anything like herself. I feel like waking her up would be closer to waking all of us up and throwing us back to our worlds. Sacrificing her might mean trapping us in a new world together.

(Which had its perks. Like not losing people he cared about - but he knew other people saw that as a unique kind of nightmare too.)

Yeah, I am. He's only really ever been nice to us and I think he'd want to wake up. He's not really the sacrificial type and I feel like sacrificing him means sacrificing his dogs and I don't wanna do that either. They're not responsible for any of this less than anyone else here.

Yeah. I'm not going back there either, not without you. [His voice is as certain as the sunrise. There's no option here where Richie goes back to Derry at all or to bizarro superhero city alone. He squeezes back, gently.]

I don't have all the info, and I can't help but think...what kind of sacrifice does he mean? Like, do you actually kill them if you break enough eggs, or do you just give them up to the dream collapsing over their heads? [He pauses, huffs out a breath.] Probably there's no real difference at this point.

[He goes quiet as Eddie explains the cast that's been helping and hindering them for the past three years, absorbing all of this with a thoughtful look on his face. Then:]

So what I'm hearing is, scrambled eggs with Cynthia, the Mayor and the crazy torture-happy nun bitch, definitely. [He chuckles a little at his own horrible, morbid joke. But yeah, that's fair. Sacrificing Cynthia, in both senses of the word, just seems like the best way to give her even a measure of peace. The rest...eh.]

Y'know, now that you put it that way, it's starting to make sense the town's falling apart. Sodder's falling apart. Whatever's left of her, anyway. [He hums, carding his fingers through Eddie's hair.] We could just—not do anything with Ramona's egg. Just stuff it back into the bag. I know the moss guy was like [in a deep baritone] if you do nothing it's like you did something anyway and that something was the worst fucking thing you could have ever done, but he's the one who brought up the option in the first place.

[Besides, Richie might not trust Ramona, but she hasn't actively tried to kill him or Eddie or fuck with their heads.]

...you didn't say anything about your egg.

(It was better than any pill. Just a calm reassurance that sounded absolute. Maybe they couldn't control everything but...Eddie touches the edge of Richie's mouth, thinking back on their promise. He had to have faith in that. Now more than ever. He tips forward and kisses Richie, more to repeat the gesture of the promise than anything else.)

We're not going anywhere without each other.

(Richie was it. He couldn't lose him again. Especially not after this time.)

Maybe. These dream's always run on metaphors and dream logic. It's probably symbolic more than it is literal - I mean, we got eggs to work with here. I'm going off my instinct on what I'd of done.

(Without Richie here.)

Yeah but Ramona's why our...our death is so shitty. (Why Richie felt like absolute crap right now. Sure, she brought them back, but at what point was constant resurrection good for someone? Richie is right though. She hasn't actually done anything against them directly.

Eddie looks away, awkward, but he forces himself to look back at Richie.)

My gut says to just break it too. I almost did. "Waking up" for me just feels - that could go wrong in more ways than sacrificing could go. I could wake up in Derry or Reims. Either way I lose you. Sacrificing...(He mulls over that, biting his lip.)

I'm sorry. I know you hate - talking about it. It just feels that's the right thing for me to do. It's like my cosmic-bound destiny to sacrifice myself for you. That feels like the right choice. (Buuuuuut he also knew why Richie didn't want to hear that.)

I'm...I'm willing to just give you my egg. Let you pick. You could always do nothing with it. That seems maybe like the least intense option there.

[Richie kisses back, still a little floored even after all this time that Eddie's kissing him. He scratches lightly over Eddie's scalp, then presses another kiss to his forehead.]

Yeah, you're right. What'm I doing splitting hairs about a place that runs on fucking dream logic. [He's not going to stop.] Death's supposed to be shitty, nightmare dimension or not. But you're not wrong, she could've found some workaround so we'd feel less like complete shit on coming back. [He pauses.] Jeez, this is more than I ever thought about Ramona before. I don't even give a shit about her.

[Which is why he proposed the "do nothing" plan for her. For himself and Eddie, though...he falls silent as Eddie talks once more, grip tightening on Eddie's shirt, because yeah, Eddie's not wrong. Richie does not want to think about Eddie dying. That's far in the future and who even knows if that's the one they'll have. Richie certainly won't let it.]

I don't give a fuck about destiny if it says you should die. You're not dying. If you die on me and you don't come back I'll find a way to you. [Whether that's bringing Eddie back or joining him, he leaves up in the air. Either way, he refuses to leave Eddie alone in the darkness.] The only way you're dying is at ninety surrounded by a fucking zoo, I don't give a shit what destiny or the universe says, a corpse can't do anyone any good.

[Which is a very intense thing to say, but then Richie hides a lot of intensity under his funnyman exterior.]

You're right, we could just do nothing with both our eggs. Put 'em up on the shelf and leave them alone. Feels like the only choice there is where we don't lose each other. [And fuck it if it's not the right choice. Richie doesn't give a shit about the right choice, not if it's asking him to choose between Eddie and a bunch of people he either doesn't really care about or hates.] If that's okay?

Yeah, I know death's shitty but death doesn't usually involve dying seven times over again and each time it gets progressively worse coming back. You've died once. Second time? Lose some of your memories? Third? All of 'em. After that, you start losing your senses. Death here is hard and not just cause we gotta see each other's ghosts. Which...I'll have to banish yours.

(Now that he's thinking about it. Like hell he felt like watching Richie die on repeat somewhere in town.)

Unless someone's already on it.

(He snorts at Richie and he gets it, really. He barely knew Ramona either but he trusted what he did know and that death was brutal here. More than it had to be. That and he wasn't so sure how he felt about such a selfish adult, but he doesn't even know where to begin with that theory.

He stares at Richie for a long, quiet moment, feeling...Wobbly.)

A while ago I might not have believed you. (He might as well be honest. His eyes soften and he rests his prosthetic against Richie's cheek.) But we've defied a lot of what our old world wanted from us already. Why not add death to the list?

(They could do anything if they really wanted to put their heads to it. Their hearts. Richies ago and he might have been awkwardly skeptical, flattered, but skeptical. Now though? He just felt comforted.)

Let's do that then. (Eddie's actually surprisingly okay with that idea, even perking up again.) The idea of waking up scares me way too much but I don't want to sacrifice if it means hurting you either. Seems like the best bet.

(And yeah, maybe it wasn't the right choice, but Eddie needed his choice. Not the right one. Fuck the rest.)

Yeah, that's okay. We'll have the shadow babies guard it. (AKA Venkman and Gengar - though the latter probably isn't much of a baby, whatever. Eddie kisses Richie again and this time it's for them, not their promise.)

I love you. And I'm not losing you after everything we've gone through. Especially not now. (It's another promise, Eddie's voice resolute. He leans back and drops his hand from Richie's face. He bites the inside of his cheek and now that the egg conversation was settled...)

I'm...I'm sorry. About prom. I kind of botched that for both of us and I think that's going to be the last party we'll have for a while. Maybe umm- when you're feeling better we could have a nice night? I know the world's ending and shit's hitting the fan and breaking the fan but...My greenhouse is still completely in tact. If you want. I mea. When you're feeling better, obviously.

Maybe it's partly shitty because you're not supposed to come back. Especially not that many times.

[That's very pessimistic, but Richie's seen enough movies to know that death is not something you're supposed to just...come back from, just like that. Ramona's magic had made them able to take the stress of it, but it came with a cost, and Richie isn't sure now if they can still pay that cost.

As for the ghost—he groans.] Shit. I forgot about that. I didn't ask anyone else to take a crack at it, no, it slipped my mind. [Or he wouldn't have asked Eddie to banish it for him. He wants to spare him that sight.] What do you do to banish ghosts again?

[Deadpan:] I think Gengar's pretty tall for a baby. [But he doesn't dispute Venkman's classification.] Anyway, yeah, you've got a good idea there. Gengar can keep Venk from practicing his juggling with the eggs. [He pauses.] So...what do we do with Julia's egg? We can't wake her up. Should we sacrifice her or just not do anything with her egg? What would it do to us if we did either?

[A breath, and Richie kisses Eddie's hairline.]

No, hey, don't be sorry. I fucked up on prom too. I got way more scared of other people figuring us out than anything else and I treated you like shit about it. I'm sorry, you deserved a better night than that. [He pauses.] Also, the evil ghost trying to kill us all probably botched prom way more than either of us did. [So, you know, the lion's share of the blame for the complete shitshow it turned into lies at her feet. But anyway.]

We could do it anytime. I hear fresh air and plants help you feel a hell of a lot better when you're sick.

Sometimes dead is better.

(That makes him think of something - on the tip of his tongue - but he can't quite think of what exactly. Whatever. Must be one of those weird Maine sayings he picked up at some point.)

I'll take care of it. Don't worry. (It wouldn't be his favorite thing to deal with, no, but that felt personal. He wasn't so sure how he would feel about anyone else taking care of Richie's soul. His ghost.)

It can be anything, really. I think as long as it's some sort of genuine banishment. I know a few different types.

(And immediately, just as deadpan:) You're pretty tall for a baby, too, but here we are.

(Eddie's...relieved Richie agrees that Julia shouldn't be woken up. The idea of that...he's never been on board with that.)

I don't know. I wanna sacrifice it, but I...don't wanna fuck this up even more. And I know there is some slim chance that sacrificing her means maybe losing you. If it dissolves the dream and or takes us away from each other. I mean. You and me aren't even from the same timeline. Then there's the amnesia...We...

(Really wouldn't have each other. At all.)

Maybe doing nothing really is the better choice. (Sure as hell gave him a little less anxiety to think about it.) Maybe we can wait on that one too. We've got time to figure it out. There's something to be said about doing nothing too. I mean...I just think about all the adults who stood around and did nothing in Derry and look what good that did all of us.

(AKA none at all.

Hearing Richie say it out loud makes his stomach churn uncomfortably. His nose twitches and he can feel some itching at the edges of his eyes.)

No. Like- I mean. I felt like shit about it. I don't think you were a jerk about it. But I guess - (He remembered talking to Varian about this exact subject and Varian telling him to just be honest. That was so much easier said than done.)

I know you're not as far along as me. It's fine. Seriously. I've had a huge leg up. I just uh- I guess I felt...kind of. Kind of like you were maybe ashamed of me? Or of us. I don't know. It didn't feel great being in that situation and feeling like your dirty little secret, you know? (He doesn't even Realize what he's saying here, okay. Coincidences.) But I also shouldn't have expected that sort of thing from you either before you're ready. That's not fair. So. I dunno. Maybe - we should um. Just stick to ...figuring we do stuff like that platonically. I won't ask if you won't ask and it's fine. You can just assume I'll obviously go with you to that stuff. Not like there's anyone else I'd go with.

(It made him feel weird but it was a sacrifice that seemed fair enough. It sucked but he didn't really want to put unnecessary pressure on Richie either.)

I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. You don't. (He gives him an awkward smile.) Ah well. We always knew prom would suck anyway. If it wasn't an evil ghost here it woulda probably been Henry Bowers or my mom back home.

(Doomed to Fail.)

Well yeah but if I tried to twerk on you right now you'd probably shatter into a million pieces. (He's just being a Dick.) I'm kidding. Maybe. Thanks- by the way. You were pretty dreamy during the whole ghost rampage thing. Obviously not in the moment but you were totally saving my ass.

[He's not wrong. Sometimes dead is better, although that exact phrase runs a small shiver down Richie's spine. Has he heard something like that before? Eh, probably in a movie somewhere.]

Well. [A tired sigh. He doesn't want Eddie to see it, it's gruesome and awful.] Okay. But I have to warn you, it's pretty fucked up. [It is, after all, a dinosaur essentially chomping down on him. He pauses.] What'm I saying, you've probably seen a hell of a lot worse than a T-Rex eating somebody, you've been through a lot of Octobers.

[It's honestly unfair that a thunderclap doesn't occur when the word October is said, considering the sinister reputation the month's acquired in town. But hey. Maybe they won't have to go through another one, if this shit keeps going. God, please, he doesn't want to go through another month of sleepless nights and blood coming from the walls while the town is falling apart on them.]

Yeah, well, we're not in Derry anymore, maybe doing nothing's just going to result in like—us ending up somewhere else again. And as long as I'm with you, I don't care where we end up. [If it means going to whatever hell there is for people who don't do anything when they have a chance to save the world, then Richie will take it. It's selfish, he knows, but right at this moment he honestly doesn't care.] Anyway, like you said, we have time. I'll keep an eye on the network, see the arguments.

[There's a silence, as Richie hunches in on himself a little.]

Eddie. [He sounds so heartbroken and sad, that it's his stupid fear that got Eddie thinking like that. He shakes his head.] You're not, okay? You're not a—a dirty little secret, not to me. [The clown's taunting cadence comes back to Richie then, and he shivers.] I love you. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm just scared the wrong person'll find out and—

[He stops. Huffs out a breath.]

It's fucking stupid to be scared, I know, when it feels like half the town is queer. But Derry wasn't. Or if it was, and anyone knew, then...

[He trails off again, chewing on his lower lip. The 1950s were no picnic, certainly, but neither were the 1980s, with stories of people catching AIDS rolling through Derry. How many times has Richie overheard someone in church, tutting disapprovingly about how it was a matter of time before someone else they knew caught it? And then there's people like Bowers, and people worse than Bowers too.]

You're not—wrong, that I'm not ready to tell more people about it. I mean, Jesus, I was fucking terrified telling you, and the first time I did come out at all, it was 'cause Caleb just saw a fucking memory about it. O didn't really have a choice in the matter then. [He pauses.] But I love you. And I'm working on it, I promise. There's a few people who know that I told without having to be forced into it.

[Not a lot, because it's the kind of thing Richie keeps under wraps until he knows for certain it's safe. But enough. He squeezes Eddie's hand, gently.]

Just...please don't think I'm ashamed of you, Eds. You're the best guy I know. I'm always proud of you. [And here, a gentle press to the corner of Eddie's mouth.]

Wow, now I wish I'd taken that kitschy tourist attraction asshole up when I asked for date ideas on the network. If I'd known all I had to do to be called dreamy was to save your ass from terrifying shit I woulda taken you to his fuckin' creepy Murder Hut just to save you in case he did try to kill us.

Edited 2021-05-20 12:32 (UTC)

I won't look at it too closely.

(He really wouldn't either. He didn't want to see Richie dying anytime soon, but he didn't want that ghost lingering around either way more. Richie shouldn't have to see it.)

Maybe. But I haven't seen you getting killed like that which is a worse thought than every October combined.

(Because it was Richie. Even if it had been a gentler death, it would be worse.)

Okay. You tell me when you decide. We'll keep 'em all safe for now.

(Eddie already knew resolutely what he wanted to do, but Richie was the only person alive that could convince him to do anything else. God knows that one pro-lifer chick had only cemented some of his decisions. There were too many people here who hadn't been here nearly long enough to know what the fuck they were talking about and Eddie felt icy and didn't want to hear about their stupid half-baked theories. Then again, he was just in a prickly mood lately. Too much to lose, too much to set him on edge. The only people he was soft around anymore were Richie, Shiro, Varian, and Will. And hell, even then, it was mostly just Richie.

Eddie almost feels guilty for even admitting to why he had been upset. A quick apology bubbles up in his throat and it reminds him vaguely of how he used to beg for forgiveness to his mother. Richie wasn't his mom - he was a far cry from Sonia Kaspbrak, and Richie would let him be upset if he needed to be upset. So he chokes that apology down with a deep swallow and watches Richie with wide, caged eyes.

The reassurance felt good to hear, even if there was still some uncomfortable quivering just beneath the skin. He looks away from Richie when he admits he's scared and he feels a hot, intense combination of shame, guilt, and anger. Derry was always going to haunt them no matter how far away they ran from it.)

I'm scared too, you know. I don't think you think I am. I've only really told a few people but most other people here found out because of circumstances. Or because I'm flamboyant and they put it together.

(Because, let's be real, living with Chloe had given him a lot more confidence than he used to have in dressing how he wanted and he sure as hell didn't tend to dress like a conventionally heterosexual, heternormative young boy. Kid wasn't in skirts, but man-.)

But I still am scared. I guess what helps is knowing I'm also dangerous now. I have things around me that are dangerous. People here can still be fucked up - or the townsfolk were anyway, but it's a lot less appealing to terrorize the faggot with a possessed car or a giant fucking wolf hanging around.

(Confidence, again, or assurance anyway. No, the 80s definitely wasn't a picnic. His textbooks told him as much and that was about the only education he bothered with anymore besides medical.)

I'm sorry. I think I just got caught up in the fantasy of finally being with you that I forgot about the reality of being with you. (Any guy, really, but Richie especially. He had thought it would be easy to stay closeted with Richie, but turns out he was sick of the whole closet and he just wanted to be with Richie. He gives Richie a tight, uncomfortable smile, because he believed Richie with a lot of things, but he wasn't so sure why anyone would be proud of Eddie. Especially not in this way. He can't even be bothered to say anything at all, his throat feeling too tight, letting the kiss happen, hoping the anxiety would unwind itself.

It wasn't - It wasn't great. Some part of him still wondered if shame had anything to do with it. And mostly because he used to feel so ashamed and he knew that had guided him more than he liked to admit.)

Well. Okay. I'll be around, obviously. Take your time, man. I'll try to- (He searches for a fair word, a fair term.)

I'll always be here for you, okay? No pressure. We can take a few steps back. (Which kind of sucked to say, but he really didn't want to guilt Richie out of the closet or rush. He felt a wobbling disappointment that he didn't know what to do with because it half made him want to cry. But he also thought he was also emotionally worn down to nothing given everything going on. He huddles in close against Richie and presses his face against his neck for the sheer relief of not having to fake any expressions. He gives a small nod.)

I've probably got a complex with you or something. I don't think there's much you do that I don't swoon over in some way. It's stupid.

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tw internalized homophobia, mention of homophobic violence & aids

tw internalized homophobia, mention of homophobic violence & aids + slur + self-esteem