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[measuringdicks]

welcome to the trench chapter of interdimensional hostage bullshit anonymous! unfortunately no one can come to the phone right now because we’re being fucked over by the multiverse again, so leave a message after the beep. we’ll get back to you if we’re still here.

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tw forced outing, internalized homophobia

[measuringdicks]

There ya go. Gotta spare a couple crying jags for future plants, after all. [He gently rubs the pad of his thumb over Eddie's knuckle, and blinks at Eddie as if trying to recall that incident. Had they ever...

Then the light comes on, and he snaps his fingers.] Oh, shit, that's right! We dumped soda all over Bowers and his goons! Fuck, it's been a while since I thought about that. [Long enough that it had started to fade into the mists of memory. He should probably be more worried about it than he is, but that happens in time, doesn't it? You forget things that used to be so sharp in your mind's eye.] Yeah, I guess we were shitty, but we weren't so bad, at least we came to watch a movie and not make out in the back row.

[So awful, trying to watch the best scenes and meanwhile he could hear the sounds of two people playing tonsil hockey behind him. Speaking of tonsil hockey...

Yeah. October. Oh, boy. He takes the flower from Eddie, tucks it away in his front pocket so it's peeking out.]

I think I was the one who asked if we should, so. [He hunches in on himself, a little. He still doesn't want to talk about it, but what Richie wants, Richie doesn't always get. And he knows they'll have to talk about it.] Yeah. Yeah, we should, 'cause last time was...

[Last time Eddie was possessed and Richie was still reeling, so.]

'M'sorry I flipped out like that. And didn't talk for a while. [If it helps, Richie was a miserable wreck all that time spent not talking to Eddie.] I just, it just—

[He thinks, do you know how long I've wanted to kiss you, do you know what I'd do for you, do you know how much I love you? And there's a version of Richie who had all of that, who got to kiss Eddie, and it hurts that he—this version, who has been away from home so long, too long—is still too scared to even say the words. I love you.]

D'you know a guy named Caleb? He was the first person I ever came out to, but it wasn't—I didn't want to. [He breathes out.] I had to, because he accidentally saw Bowers chasing me out of the arcade for looking at his cousin, and he saw It trying to kill me. I didn't want to tell anyone, even him, and he was my friend. And he had a boyfriend. I couldn't tell him unless Paul fucking Bunyan was trying to split us in half. But you...

[He huffs out a breath.]

I couldn't bear it. You not knowing. Or having to find out about—about me 'cause of this town's bullshit. If you were going to know I wanted it to be because I told you. [He pauses.] I...did tell you, right? Those other times I don't remember. [sadly:] I wish you told me before. It doesn't excuse me yelling at you like that, 'cause that was just shitty of me, but—I wish you told me.

Re: tw forced outing, internalized homophobia

[clussy]

(Eddie grins faintly as Richie recalls the memory. In some ways, he recognized that fade. He's experienced it so many times now. Honestly, even presently, he couldn't name all the Losers without thinking hard about it. His small grin becomes a full-blown smirk at the mention of making out at the back of a theater.)

I mean that could always change.

(Eddie you should probably focus on actually discussing this Kissing Trauma business before casually flirting. Oh, to be fifteen and hormonally stupid as fuck sometimes. Though the hand-holding might have something to do with that extra slice of bravery pie he was serving up.

That brief bravado dies down pretty fast. He's careful then. Face arranges into a neutral expression and he tries hard to focus on Richie's glasses instead of his actual eyes. He knew he had to play this conversation right. He was the one who had kept the secrets. And there were others to keep still. How honest did Richie really want him to be? How honest was too honest?

At the mention of another guy's name, Eddie's brain immediately jumps to all the worst conclusions. He wants to break away from Richie and fall into a dead sprint towards the door and run away from this conversation. His neutral expression cracks and a look of genuine anxiety crawls over him. He wasn't ready for this conversation at all. He wasn't ready for--

Oh. Eddie loosens his grip on Richie's hand slowly, a thin breath crawling out of him. ...Breathe. Once the panic peeled away from his mind, he began to catch up on the rest of what Richie was saying. The fear is slowly replaced with a thoughtful look, and this was exactly why October had been hard.)

Okay I'm - gonna explain a lot of stuff all at once. I know I do that all the time but just. You asked a question that has four years worth of answers and several different Richies of answers, okay?

(He leans forward, and he tries to remember all the way back. This time he's looking at Richie's chest, but mostly because he was zoning out on trying to scratch back to age eleven.)

You were the first person I ever came out to period. When I was like twelve. We were on the space ship still and I mean I didn't really...come out come out. I made a really vague statement but...You knew what I was saying and you didn't tell me you were the same. But you made it obvious you didn't hate me for it either. And you never told me that first time. (Which he hasn't really thought about until now. And that kind of makes him sad too and he realizes a bit of what Richie might have felt back in October.) Then you left the first time and it was tough. You were gone for a long time. When you came back you were...weird. I didn't tell you anything that time because you were kind of an asshole to me about...About...

(He glances around them and snorts.)

Flowers? That's when I was getting real into flowers and gardening because it was my job to be. And you were weird about touching me and kind of were...Just different and I was paranoid it was 'cause you found out and suddenly didn't like me for it or something. I didn't know how to act around you? Then you vanished again. Uhh..When you came back after that you told me but not really because you wanted to. I won't lie. It was super messy and you were really upset because this town fucked you up about it.

(Eddie doesn't think Richie intended to tell him that day.)

And the thing is I can't even blame you. Even after all this time...It still makes me freak the fuck out and feel panicky. It just scares me. Even though I've gotten way better about it I just wish I wasn't that way at all. I don't even wish I was into girls either. I just fucking hate thinking about -- that stuff. But then at the same time, the only time I ever feel brave is because of - (You. Eddie falters. He stops, looking at Richie right in the eye, and then something occurs to him.)

Wait, did you ever tell the version of me you knew from your world? Did you guys ever talk about it?

tw internalized homophobia

[measuringdicks]

For you. I'm not looking away from the screen for anything.

[False, Eddie can catch his attention more than a movie can. Even a comedy he adores like Ghostbusters or Gremlins.

Okay. So—it's happened once before, on Richie's side, and a lot of times on Eddie's side. Richie wonders then how he might feel, if Eddie suddenly disappeared and then came back with no memory, acting strangely and in a hostile way. He'd—well, he'd assume pretty much the same thing Eddie did, actually: that maybe he'd been found out and now he'd lose his best friend for it. And then this last bit, about Richie not even intending to tell Eddie the last time he'd come out.

He huffs out a tired breath.]

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't—I think you're the first person I came out to properly? Here and back on superhero world, I never got to just say it. People either found out because of some stupid memory-sharing bullshit or just because I was too obvious. [Yeah, he can see why this past version of himself would be really upset. Richie has been there, been in the position where he can't do anything but watch in horror, as his dirty little secret gets dragged out into the light. He hunches in on himself, looks down at Eddie's hand again, and squeezes it, as if trying to draw a bit of comfort from Eddie's nearness. It works, and he relaxes.]

You are brave. [said quietly.] I can't imagine an Eddie Kaspbrak who's not brave. It's just that, yeah, you're right, it's fucking scary, especially if the sentient town or demon clown or what-the-fuck-ever has a history of digging your shit up and shoving it in your face.

[There's a silence. Then Richie shakes his head.]

No, never. God, never. [Because then Richie had been too terrified of scaring him off, of ruining their friendship, and if there's anything that Richie does not think he'll be able to handle, it's losing Eddie because he couldn't keep a fucking lid on his feelings.] It was the eighties, we lived in Derry, Bowers was on our asses every day—I didn't tell anyone, I didn't tell him, you, him. I couldn't. I was scared shitless about telling anyone.

[Especially about telling Eddie, because he had worried his other secret would come out too: the initials on the kissing bridge, R+E carved forever into the wood, permanent and almost defiant.]