deercountry inbox.

[measuringdicks]

welcome to the trench chapter of interdimensional hostage bullshit anonymous! unfortunately no one can come to the phone right now because we’re being fucked over by the multiverse again, so leave a message after the beep. we’ll get back to you if we’re still here.

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Comments

[clussy]

So you're saying I coulda been riding you around town instead of a car? I would have upgraded weeks ago. (There's some sort of layered joke there probably.)

You'd snap in less than five minutes.

(He definitely doesn't buy that.

Eddie raises his brows at Richie's proclamation and then snorts loudly.)

Oh yeah, I'm sure you are.

(He'll be merciful this One Time with him.)

That sounds like a pretty rock-solid plan, yeah.

[measuringdicks]

[In the most saccharine voice possible:] Oh, sweetie-bumps, all you had to do was ask. This ride’s open alllll day.

[No it’s not, but he couldn’t resist the double entendre.]

I definitely am. Just ask your uncle.

[Well. At least he’s not making your mom jokes anymore, but this is barely any better.]

Yeah? [He brightens up on being told his plan is rock-solid, actually. Attention is great and all, but positive attention feels damn good to have.] We’d just need a big enough wagon for a refrigerator. And ropes to tie on it so it doesn’t fall off.

[clussy]

(God damn it. He gives a long, miserable groan.)

Richie, if I sat in your lap in even a slightly suggestive way your brain would be obliterated. Your sex jokes don't have the same weight when I'm dating you and know for a fact that you're like-

(He wiggles his fingers.)

A total prude.

(As if Eddie were any better. See he'd feel bad about saying this but Richie's asking for it, okay. With fucking terrible jokes.)

Y'know the least you could do is upgrade to sex jokes about me. Your boyfriend. Instead of some crusty old dude. Like isn't there some weird appeal for dudes like you who like objectifying the hell out of their significant others?

(Eddie that idea's not any better either. What the hell, guys.)

Yeah. (--Cute.) Let's worry about all the medical shit first, genius, and then we can figure out the fridge stuff. We should probably put the fridge in Chloe's truck. But we probably still need ropes.

[measuringdicks]

[Sure enough, Richie splutters on the other end of the line. Somewhere in the background, there's a distant cooing noise and the sound of a plastic bag ripping right open. At least Venkman's entertained.]

I don't—[How to talk about it? He sighs.] When it comes to the dirty stuff, I need...I dunno, distance. Like, I can joke about your uncle's dick because I've never even met the guy, if he exists, [and he could joke about Bev doing half the school when he wasn't friends with her,] but I can't joke about, say, Varian's, because we're friends. It's not as funny if I know somebody and I know better things to joke about with them.

Also, if we're being serious here, if I ever do see you even half-naked at any point in time my brain would melt right out of my ears and I just wouldn't be able to respond, I'm not gonna lie. And I'm supposed to fuckin' joke about the idea?

[He can barely approach it without his brain turning into a pile of mush! He cannot make dirty jokes about Eddie.]

Oof, yeah, okay, you're right. What kinda medical shit do we need? Painkillers, anesthesia, surgical instruments?

[clussy]

Yeah, fine.

(Eddie kind of got it only not entirely because what was the point.)

Not gonna lie I would be pretty pissed if you were going around talking that way about other guys we did know, yeah. (Eddie could barely handle Connor Bowers existing. Lord knows he would combust on the spot if he had to suffer some dumb dick joke about a mutual friend.

Eddie scoffs outright at the idea of Richie dying on the spot. It felt oddly good to know he might have that kind of sway over him. But some part of him realized maybe he wanted the crude jokes thrown at him. But he has no idea how to word that without sounding weird.)

Well. Expect me to keep calling out your dumb sex jokes then.

(That would have to be enough.)

Probably all the above. I definitely need way more needles. And harnesses. I’ll make a list.