deercountry inbox.

[measuringdicks]

welcome to the trench chapter of interdimensional hostage bullshit anonymous! unfortunately no one can come to the phone right now because we’re being fucked over by the multiverse again, so leave a message after the beep. we’ll get back to you if we’re still here.

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Comments

[measuringdicks]

I love and adore him immediately
I'm naming him Ravi Lovey Ravioli Tozier-Kaspbrak
Kaspbrak-Tozier
you get what I mean

he's going to be the first raccoon in the history of raccoons to be a medic AND a comedian
I'm gonna teach him to do tricks

[clussy]

it can just be tozier. marriage is for fuckos but if we're doing the last name thing we're ditching mine
i have way too many notes with your last name next to mine in hearts to ever say no to that

(Also...Parental abuse really makes one want to abandon their last name quicker! But that's less cute to say.)

so much pressure for the little guy we're already those parents huh
what if he wants to grow up and be a garbage truck driver

[measuringdicks]

then his name is Ravi Lovey Ravioli Tozier which is so much easier to say so thanks
it's perfect for him he looks like he would adore pasta
plus it fits the theme
Spaghetti Man and the Ravioli Raccoon

then we love and support him and make him park his garbage truck up the street so he doesn't stink up the place
but between you and me I think he's BORN for the stage

[clussy]

(Why did he even try resisting fate with this shit.)

godd damn it shut UP

hes definitely born for the stage look at thos efuckin eyes

[measuringdicks]

it's a THEME
give in to the theme Eddie
give innnnnn

right???
those are leading man eyes if I ever saw any
in an all-raccoon Romeo & Juliet he'd either play Romeo or Mercutio
honestly I'm leaning Mercutio if only bc Mercutio has the absolute best fucking lines

[clussy]

it's a shitty theme

they are. he's bound to sweep some racconi off their feet

you're such a fucking dork oh my god
I never even read romeo and juliet that book was boring

(He's also like, barely, literate.)

[measuringdicks]

next thing you know we'll be the sadsack parents sobbing at their Italian raccoon wedding

yeah fair when they taught Shakespeare in English class it was just like "these are the BEST PLAYS EVER" and then the teacher just droned on and on and on and fucking ON
plus the script was so fucking old-timey
but it turns out
when you SAY the old-timey shit and not just READ it
it's not all that bad

for example
"the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon"
which is just
a joke about afternoon handjobs
which is the absolute best and I'm still pissed I got told to shut the fuck up about it and all the other dick jokes like fuck you sorry you didn't hit it big in the academic world or whatever you crusty old bitch Mrs Handler
or
idk can't remember her name now

[clussy]

that would actually be pretty awesome. the pole in me feels insulted at having to be an italian parent but i'll get over it

im not gonna lie i had no fucking clue there was ANY dick jokes in there
youre such a dork for even getting that out of that holy shit
i read that kind of shit and my brain just turns into slush and i have no fucking clue what it's saying at all. idont know what bawdy even means. i thought it was talking about a clock or some shit

(That's about as far as his literature evaluation on anything ever got.)

oh god yeah i have no idea what her name was either
or if the teachers were even the same period

they just couldnt handle your macro dick brain. who can blame em it's overwhelming

[measuringdicks]

wow kinky didn’t know you liked having a Pole in you
does this mean you’re a size queen
should I be taking notes

[Yeah, he’s fully aware of what Eddie means, but frankly this is an opportunity he isn’t going to pass up. Never mind that Eddie will fluster him about it in the next message, it’ll be worth it!]

I don’t blame you
it was taught SO boring
but ok listen
Shakespeare was a HACK
everybody thought he was a hack who wrote basically soap operas with plot lines he stole from slightly better soaps and a shitload of dick jokes
but boy did people fucking love the dick jokes
and I guess the plots and sword fights too whatever
but lbr idc about Romeo and Juliet’s tragic love story they were just horny kids
I DO care about “give me my long sword, ho” being a real thing a real actor has to say in the script
I know it’s not intentional but this is the best fucking line in the entire play hands fucking down

you’re right my wang IS overwhelming thank you for acknowledging this truth at last

[He didn’t misread that last bit. He’s just trying to rile Eddie up, again.]

[clussy]

first of all, i AM a size queen so you SHOULD be taking notes so they can gather dust in your drawer of Too Much of A Pussy To do Anything About It

secondly, I meant polish you asshole.

if I knew whatever national makeup you had going for you i'd probably make some joke about that but you're like most generic white boy ever. probably? i think tozier is english??

(Yup basically exactly that.)

i think it just IS boring, dude
how could it be taught in a way that doesn't make you wanna die
though dont get me wrong I do respect the dick joke game I think that's amazing and something he should be applauded for
I just cant even catch most f the dick jokes so it feels like a moot point

(That or he's just like. Stupid.)

you could just compile every dick joke he's ever made and show it to me.
people always love dick jokes. they're superior to every other joke ever
it wasnt even that tragic. romeo was a fucking moron who didn't even bother to check for a pulse. it was just stupid.
they totally were horny kids though lol
dudes always wanna say they're in love with someone but then dont even know their last name
its wild
I feel like Monty python does this stuff way better but that could just be because it's a little more modern or whatever and dumbs it down
though im pretty sure i miss a lot of the jokes in that too
that is a pretty good line I'll give you that
definitely better than the wheretoare thout juliet












sometimes you say stuff and I am like yea it makes sense I am your first boyfriend and that you're still a virgin

(Consider him properly riled. You can practically hear the Bitch Tone.)

dipshit

(FOR GOOD MEASURE.)