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welcome to the trench chapter of interdimensional hostage bullshit anonymous! unfortunately no one can come to the phone right now because we’re being fucked over by the multiverse again, so leave a message after the beep. we’ll get back to you if we’re still here.

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I’ll be right there

[Richie shows up five minutes later with a blanket and some ice cream. He doesn’t say anything, just shuffles over, drapes the blanket over Eddie’s shoulders, and puts the ice cream in his lap. Then he plops down next to him and puts an arm around his torso.]

‘M sorry.

Edited 2021-03-25 04:19 (UTC)

(God I love you. It's the only thing he thinks. Just a wall of I love him so much again and again. Half of it was pure gratitude, half of it was pure desperation. The moment Richie's near he's curled up and tucking his face right into Richie's neck. There are tears a moment later and Eddie doesn't say anything for a long time. There are small tremors, small hiccups, but it lasts a shorter time than one might expect.

The truth is there was no exact right way to mourn this. It wasn't death. It was, in many ways, worse. There was still too much shock, too much denial, too much grief all clogged up in his head. He can't even imagine Chloe being gone. Her voice was so clear in his head that it felt weird to think of it now as a memory rather than a reality.

But God. If Richie weren't here-. It's a cosmic exchange, he thinks. Whenever Richie vanished, Chloe had always been there to anchor him, to hold him exactly like this as he sobbed and felt the same degree of loss and confusion. And now? Chloe was gone and he had Richie to anchor him. It was a cruel trade-off. Why did the two most important people in his life have to be swapped out like that?

In the end, he knew that without it, he really would snap. That or he was terrified he'd just completely blank. That the Derry curse would just whammy everything from him from pure trauma alone.)

Don't let me forget her.

(It was the same thing he told Chloe about Richie. It hurt to remember, but he was way more frightened of the other side of that coin. He leans back, looking down at his prosthetic, and he thinks he never would forget Chloe. She was part of him now. Their promise still felt true on his hand, in his blood. The same way Richie's promise still felt true on his mouth, in his soul.

He realizes belatedly that there's ice cream in his lap and he looks at Richie with a watery smile.)

I love you. (Thank you so much. Thank you so so much for being here- for understanding - for not having to hear about everything. For just knowing. He's not a writer like Bill, not a poet like Ben, but God, what he had with Richie never needed any of that anyway. Just one look. One statement. That's it. He leans in to kiss Richie, a solid press, and it's a reaffirmation of their promise more than a gesture of affection. Something to grind him into Richie still being here. He breaks the kiss a few seconds later, feeling calmer, steadier. That ache was never going to leave, but he could survive it. Probably.)

So much. (He rubs at his face to clear some tears, looking down at the ice cream.)

Did you bring a spoon? Or do I gotta eat this like an animal?

[It never really gets any easier, is the thing. Richie's been on the receiving end of this enough times to know the pain of it, the way you get so used to someone's presence that even when you know better, you start to think they'll just...always be around. And then one day they're gone, and if you're lucky you have something to remember them by. If not, all you can do is keep them in your heart. Sometimes he wonders when there'll be enough losses that it'll get easier, but it doesn't work that way, does it. The grief and the confusion and the shock, it always knocks him for a loop.

He wraps his arms around Eddie, gently petting his hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. He wasn't as close to Chloe as Eddie, sure, but—he'd liked her. He'd cared about her. They'd commiserated.]

I won't. I'll tell you about her every day.

[He kisses back, doesn't quite let go of him just yet when Eddie pulls away.]

Hey. I love you too. [Another gentle peck on the temple. He wishes he had this, too, back when he was losing people.] 'M sorry. She really loved you, if that helps.

[A spoon, huh? Richie rummages around in his jacket pockets to pull out a little plastic spoon, and hands it off to Eddie.]

Do you wanna talk, or do you just wanna eat the ice cream and cry? I'm here either way.

(Sometimes it got easier to feel jaded, to feel angry. It felt easier in the sense that you started to bitterly expect it. But the actual loss? It almost felt worse every time it happened. But losing Chloe? That was...It was the worst. She had been here for years. They had been through all of the world-hopping bullshit together. She had always made him feel so much less alone in the universe.)

I knew she'd be so pissed if she knew. She never wanted to leave either.

(He doesn't even want to think about the possibility of her going home. She didn't have too many happy ending options for her back home any more than Eddie himself did.

He was just - so grateful Richie understood. He was glad that he wasn't afraid to lose Richie anymore to the universe or else...He would have no idea what he'd do if he still felt Richie was going to vanish. He'd probably become an absolute nutcase. Instead, Richie winds up feeling more secure to Eddie than anything else possibly could. It's surreal being comforted with soft kissing, sincere gestures, and he feels loved. By Richie. By Chloe.)

It does. I'm really lucky to have ever been loved by you and her. (Totally different loves, but he doubted he had to explain that to Richie. Of all people, Richie knew what it was like to have different shades of soul mates and Chloe had been a soul-sister for Eddie.)

There was this thing that happened here forever ago. Another version of you was here and Chloe, obviously. But there were these strings that connected you to all the most important people in your life and were colored depending on what kind of relationship you had. The string I had for you was bright red and I was stupid and didn't realize what that meant back then. And the string I had to her was gold. And I just remember feeling so fucking - blessed.

(He wiggles his fingers, looking at them. Even though the strings had faded by now, he still felt he could see them sometimes. He takes the spoon from Richie, contemplating the offer. Some part of him didn't want to talk about it at all, but some part of him-.)

I don't know. It's- both maybe? (He peels the lid off of the ice cream and immediately digs in. It makes him think about how often Chloe and him would bring each other food for comfort and there are a few more tears. He sniffs.)

I dunno if I ever told you but I killed her once. Like real badly. Way back in our first October here. And then like a year later, she went crazy and killed me back. It sounds fucked up out of context. But that was always why both of us knew how dark of a place this town could throw you. That's the weirdest thing to think of right now probably but I dunno. We just went through so much shit together.

(He looks at Richie, sucking on the spoon before grabbing another scoop.)

I'm sorry. I know you don't like hearing about me dying. (He adds softly, pressing in closer against Richie, giving him a cold kiss on the corner of his mouth.) Do you want a bite?

I'm gonna sound like a total fucking sap for this. [But he sighs.] She's always gonna stay with you in some way. She's always gonna be in your heart. The thread's not broken, it's just—stretched out, 's'all. [That makes sense as a metaphor, right? Richie's never run into this string business before, not that he remembers, but from the context he can guess the colors signified. Red for romantic love, obviously. Gold for family.

The murder thing does give him pause, and when Eddie mentions having gotten killed once, Richie bristles instinctively. Yeah, he hates hearing about Eddie dying. It makes him wonder what the hell was he doing at the time, or if he just—wasn't there. He can't really blame Chloe for it, because he knows by now how the town's shit can dig into someone's brain and push them into things they ordinarily wouldn't do, but. Still. It's always upsetting, knowing Eddie's died before, knowing his apparent fate in the future.

He relaxes when Eddie kisses him. Just holds Eddie a little bit tighter.]

What's October without a little bloodshed, huh. [The morbid joke falls flat, his voice too heavy for the light tone he tries to deliver it with. He sighs, nods.] Yeah, pass me the spoon, I didn't bring an extra one.

No you're- you're right. Sappy or not.

(And Eddie was grateful to hear it. He believed it himself, but hearing it come from someone else felt far more profound. Plus, it felt the same way as with the Losers. Only Eddie had a more long-lasting relationship with Chloe than he had with some of the Losers. He had barely known some of them, only just met them. Not that it took away from their cosmic importance to him, but there sure weren't the same amount of memories. There wasn't the same depth.

When Richie tightens up, Eddie's quick to kiss Richie a few times on the cheek, the jaw, just as a soft, quiet way of telling him it was okay.)

I'm safe now. (He murmurs the words to Richie- knowing Richie knew, understood that, but he still just didn't want him...Hurting. At least Eddie tried sincerely hard to NOT be murdered.

He gladly gives the spoon over, grinning a bit.)

My momma would be so mad, you know. (He says this almost proudly.)

About us. I mean really pissed. Me sharing a spoon with my boyfriend that I kiss who is also Richie Tozier. (He laughs. It's a strange, random topic change but at the same time...It felt nice to distract away from the agony in his chest with something absurd and easy.)

I know that, 'm just—I don't like you getting hurt. [Like, at all. Richie believes Eddie is much tougher and braver than he looks or even believes himself to be, but at the same time he just...doesn't want him to get hurt. Or get killed. He just wants him to be okay most of all, to have a chance at happiness, with or without Richie by his side.

But the kisses melt the walls he's thrown up around himself, and he shifts around to peck a kiss to Eddie's hairline before he scoops up a spoonful of ice cream and jams it into his mouth.]

Whish bith? [No, wait, hold on, give him a moment to actually swallow it.] Which bit? Like, the spoon-sharing, the boyfriend, the kissing, or the fact that it's me? Because I think she'd probably fucking explode from just one, I dunno what would happen if you combined all those things into one sentence and said it directly to her.

[She would probably pass away on the spot.]

I know.

(Richie had never made him feel delicate. He never thought Richie doubted his capability. There was a huge difference between Richie wanting to keep him safe versus how his mom tried to keep him "safe.")

I get it. I don't like you getting hurt either. Obviously. (He makes a rocky gesture with his prosthetic hand as if to silently point out his eventual life-sacrifice for Richie in their future(s).)

All the above. She always had a fit about me hanging out with you in particular and your trashy mouth. (Ironically he was pretty sure his mom's terror of Richie had only urged Eddie to be more interested. Kids always wanted what they were told they couldn't have. Eddie's want just went a lot deeper than spite.)

[Yeah, he remembers Eddie telling him about that. He sighs, pressing against Eddie's side as if loath to let him meet that fate. Which he is. In Richie's expert opinion, a world without Eddie Kaspbrak is one that is much poorer for it.]

Well, good, fuck her. [A pause.] And shockingly, I don't mean that in an "I fucked your mom" way. [He still does those kinds of jokes, just not as much around Eddie anymore.] I mean that you're great and you're brave, and she never saw that. And maybe that's just a parent thing, sure, but mine were...

[He waves a hand.]

Mom had fits over me breaking my glasses, but never over hanging out with you. I think she liked you. [Although he imagines Maggie would've liked it far less, if she knew the true depth of feeling between Richie and Eddie. At the very least she wouldn't understand it. At worst—Richie hears horror stories about worst.] Mrs. K was just...she dragged you off and stuck you in the house after Neibolt, from what I remember, and I couldn't see you for a while. It was the absolute shittiest part of that summer. I know it isn't the same for you, 'cause of the whole timeline thing, but you oughta know, it was worse for me than going up against the clown the first time. You were hurt, and we were all pissed at each other, and I couldn't come hang out with you and believe me I tried, it was just fucked all around.

[He pauses.]

Sorry.

Yeah, I somehow put it together that you probably didn't actually want to fuck my mom. But thanks for the clarification.

(He did appreciate Richie cutting back on that shit around him. He had noticed it and never really knew how to actually thank him for it.)

Not sure if it's a typical parent thing. (Derry parent, maybe, but Eddie's met enough decent adults beyond Derry at this point that he's pretty sure Derry was just the fucking Pits.)

Your mom was a bitch but like a typical bitch. (She wasn't...abusive. Though Eddie firmly believed that she neglected the hell out of Richie but he never knew how to talk about that either. He didn't have the greatest feelings towards Maggie Tozier either. Despite that, he is glad to hear that the woman apparently liked him.)

At least that's one of our moms. (Eddie wishes Moira had been around. She was the only real mother-like figure he would have wanted Richie to meet.

It was still surreal sometimes hearing about Richie's world. Not just because of the differences, but because they had lived two different lives. Two different memories.)

I would have never been pissed at you over that whole thing. I know me from your timeline is kind of a prick but I don't think he woulda been mad at you for real.

(Or if he did it wouldn't make any sense why. They were all in that shitty situation together. Granted, it didn't make much sense that Bill would have ever punched Richie either. There were just some stuff from Richie's timeline that never would make sense to Eddie. Things that just didn't sound like the people he knew from his own world.)

I believe you. I know you did. I mean - both from your timeline and mine. Mine was...Different, yeah. Bowers broke my arm (Which Richie knew by now, but still-) And I was taken to the hospital right away. Ambulance and everything. And when I was doped up on morphine and shit, I had this really hazy, weird dream where I saw you guys...You were talking to my mom and she was lying to you all. Telling you I never wanted to see you again and wanted nothing to do with you. But it wasn't just a dream. It was like - that's actually what happened. I don't know how I know, but it was, because when my momma came to visit me after, I told her it was wrong that she did that. She didn't know how I knew, but I did, and it freaked her out. I told her she wasn't allowed to keep me from you guys anymore, and that she wasn't going to turn you away again, that she'd let you see me. I threatened her.

(Eddie gets a dark, thoughtful look on his face, not looking quite at Richie.)

I made a deal with her. I told her I'd play along and not ask about the fake medication and why she's been doing what she's been doing. I told her I'd do it if she let me see you guys whenever I wanted. I'd stay sick, but only if I could have you. She had no real choice but to say yes. I let her know I knew I wasn't sick and that she had been lying to me. I let her know I knew that was wrong.

(And there was something else - something more threatening naturally in that moment but Eddie wasn't sure how to explain that part. If Chloe were still here, she'd have better words for it. He gives a small shrug.)

It was terrible. But you guys came soon after like I knew you would, and you all signed my cast. Then not long after we were going after Pennywise. And I knew my mom couldn't keep any of you away. Especially you. So. It's okay. I know you'd never let anything get between us if you could help it.

(He looks at Richie again, frowning.)

What? No. Don't apologize. That shit was complicated. I mean I wasn't there for it in your world but - I don't...I know it wasn't your choice.

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tw discussion of abusive parent, allusion to possible homophobia from parent

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